me time tips for a healthy relationship Get the support you need from your partner while being sensitive to their needs, too WOrds: GeOrGIna WInterSGILL EXPAND Y ou may have promised to commit yourself for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, but living with arthritis can put the best of relationships under strain. you may feel resentment or anger if your partner doesnt seem sufficiently supportive or sympathetic. or you may feel guilty if they have to care for you. meanwhile, they may struggle to understand your condition. They may find it hard to see you in pain or resent the way their life has changed andperhaps also feel guilty about their resentment. and both of you may worry aboutthe future. some couples find the stress of battling a chronic condition drives them apart; according to one american study, the divorce rate for people with rheumatoid arthritis is 70 per cent above that for the general population. However, others find the condition actually brings them closer together. Read on for advice on keeping your relationship healthy when youre living witharthritis. Keep talking mark Rickaby, 39, from Calne, Wiltshire, was diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis in 2007, a year after he met stephanie, now his wife. He says: you need to be open and honest about your arthritis to keep your relationship healthy. Dont shut out your partner. Dont be a martyr or try to hide the difficulties youre having. Listen to their advice and let them help. Research backs this up. Being open about your emotions and receiving a sympathetic response from your partner helps enhance intimacy, according to a 2010 review that looked at couples where at least one partner had chronic musculoskeletalpain. But what about when things arent going well? Dr Gillian Nightall is a consultant clinical psychologist and consultant family and couple therapist. she advises: Leave difficult conversations for when youre both more relaxed and responsive. use phrases like i feel rather than you are. Talk about the problem in the here and now, rather than digging up past hurts. Be specific rather than general. Try to see the problem as the problem, not your partner. she adds: Having people outside the relationship to share the challenges can be invaluable, especially if theyhave experience of a similar situation many couples find support groups helpful. alternatively you could talk with a couple therapist even a one-off consultation can help to unpick a particular problem. Learn together it can be helpful for both of you to attend your medical appointments, where possible not only to learn more about your condition and treatment, but also so your partner can hear a professional opinion on how much youre capable of, and when youneed help. if your partner seems uninterested in learning more, it can be helpful to find out why. Dr Nightall says: one gentleman didnt want to talk about his wifes condition. Part of the way forward was to acknowledge this and for her to understand why it was difficult for him. it transpired he didnt want to talk about it because he felt helpless, and not talking about it was his coping strategy. she had thought he just wasnt interested but, by unpicking this, she was reassured that he did care. more informAtion For more information about couple therapy, visit relate (www.relate.org.uk) or the Association for Family Therapy and systemic Practice (www.aft.org.uk) Also take a look at our guide, Coping with emotions, at www.arthritiscare.org.uk/ publicationsandresources/ relationshipsemotions, or call our free helpline on 0808 800 4050. Maddison and James talk about their relationship The impact of psoriatic arthritis on relationships Be kind its important to remember that chronic conditions affect both partners: for example, a 2006 study found that pain severity in one partner was related to depressive symptoms in the other. Dr Nightall says: Be compassionate to yourself and your partner. most of us are not at our best when were stressed or in pain, and the calmest of couples can end up shouting and saying hurtful things in the heat of the moment. But saying sorry is important. mark Rickaby says: Be as patient with your partner as youve had to learn to be with your arthritis. Remember that your condition and the disability it causes you is probably as frustrating for them as it is for you. Be open to the fact that other people have needs and problems as well as you. Maintain intimacy Pain and fatigue may mean that sex is the last thing on your mind. But arthritis neednt mean the end of intimacy; you may just have to use a little creativity (and possibly forward-planning!). Talk about your feelings on the subject and acknowledge differences, says DrNightall. Talk about whats possible and whats not. experiment with different sexual positions. experiment with touch either sexual or non-sexual, such as massage. Have fun Doing something you enjoy together can remind you of your common interests and help to strengthen your bond as a couple. if you have limited mobility, activities you used to enjoy may now be more difficult. specialist equipment may help, or perhaps the activity can be adapted so you can still take part ask your occupational therapist for advice. Dr Nightall says: if the activitys no longer possible, acknowledge the loss and talk about it.Do remind yourself, though, that loss and opportunity often sit together.Look for new things to try together, perhaps taking turns to plan events for each other. Be committed to that journey of discovery together. Dont shut out your partner. Dont be a martyr or try to hide the diculties youre having Mark Rickaby an d his wife, Stephanie
