M E N TA L H E A LT H I dont want to be someone who is perceived as weak I dont want peoples sympathy. I felt like I had let myself down totally point, as we had to get through immigration with the crew. We arranged to meet up for a coffee the next day to discuss it further, but events overtook that plan. I got into my room and became really emotional. Why had I brought my issues to work? Its not fair to make my work colleagues deal with my personal baggage. This isnt who I am. I was at rock bottom and feeling utterly miserable. The phone rang at this point and it was one of the crew, who said they were going out and asked if I wanted to come maybe they had spotted I was struggling a bit. In hindsight, I should have said no thanks and just gone to bed, but at the time I desperately wanted to feel normal, to go out and do normal things on a nightstop. I dont really remember much of what happened though, as I fell off a cliff of tiredness. I hadnt slept well the night before my check and certainly didnt sleep in the bunk on my rest because I was churning over all the things I had done and should have done. Apparently, I spent a lot of the evening sitting alone at a table staring into space. How mortifying is that to think that the crew look at you and just see a sad loser? I got back to the hotel somehow, but the crew were sufficiently concerned that they contacted the captain, who came round to my room the next morning and asked what was going on with me. Thats when I fell apart. I was devastated. My identity is a pilot: I am supposed to be someone who people want to fly with and think he knows what hes doing. I dont want to be someone who is perceived as weak and that sad loser. I dont want peoples sympathy. I felt like I had let myself down totally. The passengers see you as a figurehead, but what you are is just a human being wearing a uniform. I felt like my status as a pilot had been shattered. I was acutely embarrassed that those I am supposed to be in charge of saw me in that state and my vulnerabilities were out there for all the crew to see. I bitterly regretted putting myself in that position. I shouldnt have been flying. I should have sought more help. Help at hand I broke down in tears and it was clear that I wasnt fit to carry on. I positioned myself home and went 36 THE LOG Spr 24 pp32-37 Mental Health.indd 36 16/02/2024 11:08