M E N TA L H E A LT H I dont know why, but my confidence was totally destroyed in one detail. Id now fallen outside of the normal course envelope and so, basically, went on to a standby roster for weeks, prepped to go with just a day or sos notice during the most important course in a pilots professional life. My nose was constantly in the books, as it had been for the past few months, ever since my number had come into the frame for a command course. I guess I am naturally very self-critical and overanalytical, which meant I pored over every word in the training reports to work out what I was supposed to do and who I was supposed to be as a captain. The retraining for the failed sim didnt go well, as it was a late-night detail with a trainer who didnt want to be there. The next check sim I had I failed as well. Lots of silly mistakes it was unbelievably frustrating. excellent training captain and I got through the sim phase and out onto line training. However, I started to get myself into a vicious cycle of what you could call intense performance navel gazing. I would read my reports incessantly, filtering out any good comments and only focusing on the negative ones. It ate me up. I would try to chat to the training captains about previous feedback, but they would always say Im fine and just to keep working on the areas for improvement. Reporting to the manager Next thing, Im in the flight training managers Xxxxx xxxxx xxxxxxx xxxxx xx office. He was pleasant enough and asked me if there anything goingxxxxxxx on at home. I didnt want to say xx xxxxwasxxxxxx xxxxxx anything, as my problems are my problems and not companys but he did ask, so I mentioned xxxxxxthexxxx xxx xxx xxxx xxxthe fact that my dad had fallen and broken his hip just before the course started. He lives alone, so Id had to sort out everything even the ambulance to get him to hospital. There is no-one else in the family who can help, so its down to me. He lives two and a half hours drive away and I was doing it every time I had a day off during my course. I had to make sure that he was OK at home, and the house was clean and stocked, with all the bills paid hes my dad! Oh, and around that time, my wife fell ill with a recurrence of a neurological problem shed had previously, which had the potential to be pretty serious. Mercifully shes fine, but it took a while for the tests to give her the all clear. My manager stared at me, aghast. Why didnt you tell me this sooner? I didnt have an answer for him, to be honest. I should have done it, but I didnt think it was his business. Id actually approached him some months previously asking for extra sim practice and some pre-command line training. Hed said they were too busy and had no capacity, which is fair enough, but it made me think twice about asking him for help in another area. He did arrange for some extra training with an He asked if there was anything going on at home. I didnt want to say anything, as my problems are my problems not the companys 34 THE LOG Spr 24 pp32-37 Mental Health.indd 34 16/02/2024 11:08