Opening up about mental health is the first step towards recovery By Captain Karen Speight, Log Board member hat strikes me, talking to the Tearne family, is how together they are. I dont mean together as in a united front, although there is that, too. I mean theyve got their s**t together; there is no faade. They are genuinely resilient: accepting of what is and able to be positive in the most difficult situation. That is awe-inspiring, because the difficult situation is that Marcus, husband and father, took his own life in January 2020. Marcus Tearne was 50 years old. A British Airways-sponsored cadet at Prestwick, he joined the airline in 1990. His 30-year career spanned multiple fleets and bases: 737, DC-10, command on the ATP in Scotland (and a BALPA rep at this time), 747-400 training co-pilot, short-haul commands at Birmingham (RJ) and Heathrow and London City (A320), and, finally, A380 captain. He was a keen musician, often taking his guitar on trips. The Tearnes have come forward to discuss their situation because they feel it may help others. I did not know Marcus personally, and I want to open a conversation around mental health and suicide awareness in a way that respects the fact that we do not have his viewpoint. Hidden dimensions At work, Marcus had a relaxed, professional approach, chatting to crew members as he bought them coffees. He was engaged and engaging. As I talk to the Tearnes, however, I get the sense of a man who had been troubled for a long time before the temporarily debilitating motocross accident that preceded his further mental decline. His wife, Jackie, says that he liked to be in charge of his family and seemed intensely frustrated with the unpredictability of home life, so different from our clearly defined roles at work. Marcus may have been upholding a social front until a few weeks before the end, when his mental defences began to weaken under the stress of being an invalid, robbed of his role of breadwinner and his identity as a pilot. A more fragile, sensitive side began to emerge, perhaps suppressed at great cost over many years. Eventually, Marcus subdued the side of him that he found so intolerable by paying the ultimate price: his life. Why is my dad different? As Marcuss three sons were growing up, they were confused by visits to other families houses. Why did other dads help out with household tasks? Why did other dads embrace their sons? Marcus was materially generous and he showed a warm side when they joined him individually on exciting trips around the world. Why didnt he show love in the way other dads did when he was at home? Over the years, Jackie felt that Marcuss strict beliefs about family hierarchy and seeming dismissal of family concerns had distanced him from her and their sons. It seemed to Jackie that he was forever desperate to impress his own parents. More frequent, deeper arguments were ripping through the family and, eventually, Jackie made a difficult decision: I still loved Marcus, but I couldnt live with him any more. The accident Physically broken after a life-changing accident in September 2019, Marcus returned to the family home to be looked after by Jackie and the boys. He was literally dependent on them for everything feeding, toileting, the works. Marcuss career was his life and he struggled to redefine his role. When other family members were ill, it felt inconvenient yet here he was, not just off work, but temporarily disabled. Marcus had seemed to become convinced that Jackie and the boys were excluding him from family arrangements while he was on trips, and that she had manipulated the boys against him. He could finally see that none of the conspiracies he had imagined were playing out. There was just loving family support. Four months after the accident, despite good physical progress and a return to flying date pencilled in, Marcus was broken mentally. The final week Marcus began to bring up and talk about old, unresolved family disagreements. In hindsight, it felt as though he was trying to put some demons to rest, said Jackie. You guys would be better off without me was interpreted as a reference to financial concerns rather than anything more sinister. Marcus had mental health support from his AME, Peer Assistance group, the company, and external counselling, but up to this point, none of these professionals was likely to have spotted anything amiss because Marcus had played the normal and together game so well, for so many years. The composed manner in which Marcus finally admitted how he was feeling and asked if he could be admitted to a psychiatric institution did not portray the immediacy of the crisis. He called mayday, but in such a calm voice that no-one knew whether to take it seriously. Aftermath When he went missing and it emerged that hed ended his life, it was horrific, but it wasnt a complete shock, said one of his sons. Warning signs are always clear in hindsight. He was a very troubled man at least now he is at peace. The family feel that Marcus truly believed he was looking after them by ending his life. However, the aftermath was just starting police forensic visits, evidence bags with Marcuss belongings, collecting his car from the pound, sorting out paperwork and finances. Marcus had gone, but the family had a huge wall of grief, unanswered questions and the grim administration surrounding death. At work, Marcus had a relaxed, professional approach, chatting to crew members as he bought them coffees If only Id done something more After an event such as this, there is a tendency to blame ourselves, others, the system, and the phone call that might have made a difference. When an adult with mental capacity makes a decision to end their life, it is no-ones fault. Suicide is not illegal (since the Suicide Act of 1961) and the term commit suicide is a hangover from when it was a criminal offence. Suicide is a tragedy with far-reaching consequences, but no survivor is to blame for doing this or not doing that. Jackie is very clear. As humans, we are programmed to feel guilt. We put too much pressure on ourselves to feel that we could have done more. There is no one thing, person, event or statement that pushed Marcus over the edge. A troubled man made a very serious decision. Breaking the taboo We lack awareness around suicide, not because it is rare, but because it is taboo. Three-quarters of all suicides are men. In middle-aged men, suicide is the highest cause of death, followed by accidental death many of these may be suicides, too. There is a misconception that talking about it can put the thought in someones mind. Experts have demonstrated this is false. You can no more put the idea of suicide in someones mind when they are in despair than you can put the idea of divorce in the mind of someone in a tumultuous marriage. We know we can self-determine our lives from around age 12. Talking relieves the pressure rather than planting the idea. Have the courage to start the conversation, says Jackie. And do it well before it gets to the point of desperation if possible. Its OK to say, Im struggling a bit, can we chat? Dont soldier on, hoping someone will notice. We may be in charge of aeroplanes, but we are still human beings. Asking for help is a sign of strength: doing something for yourself to fix the issue. It may feel awkward we are used to sorting out problems ourselves but most people will help if you ask. After all, wouldnt you? We can also prepare to be on the receiving end of such a conversation. If someone mentions an argument with their partner, you wouldnt bluntly ask if they were thinking of divorce. Similarly, a gentle approach is helpful to encourage someone to open up about their deepest, most uncomfortable feelings. How are you coping with that? is a good question. Are there ever times you feel you cant cope? Pilots are trained to call mayday in a calm, controlled manner. Listen to the words as well as the tone and manner. If you are worried, see if there is a way that the person feels comfortable with getting professional help. As one pilot put it: Asking for help was like pressing the TOGA switch from an awful approach. Everything just felt better straight away. Lifestyle issues Researcher Thomas Joiner found two key factors in suicidal ideation: feeling like a burden and a perception of not belonging. Marcus certainly felt like he was burdening the family after his accident, and there is a sense of his alienation from them, unconsciously or deliberately, for years. Crew can feel detached from family and friends down route. Jackie advises us to cultivate a sense of belonging and connection by working on our life at home, even when it seems far away. Being part of any group can help, and we can also look for meaning by contributing to a cause bigger than ourselves. The susceptibility of pilots READ MORE Resources A study by Wu et al (2016)1 looked into the health of pilots across the world. The survey included questions about emotions and behaviours used to assess levels of depression. Around 12-13% of responding pilots met the threshold for a diagnosis of depression. More than 4% reported having suicidal thoughts in the past two weeks, framed as feeling they would be better off dead. More than half of the 1,837 respondents reported at least one day of poor mental health in the past month. We are human beings. We have the normal ups and downs of life. We are possibly even more susceptible as pilots there is an image to live up to: one of coping, of dealing with problems. Taking this into our personal lives can bring a huge strain. Leaving a legacy Which brings me back to the incredible resilience of the Tearne family. Despite the hideousness of the situation, Jackie and the boys have raised nearly 10,000, including funeral donations, to be used for awareness and prevention of suicide among airline crew. We are now members of a club that we didnt wish to be members of, says Jackie. You can either allow that to take you down, or you can move with it. I hope that, by being open, we will encourage others to start the conversation much earlier than we were able to. READ MORE RESOURCES Call 999 if there is an immediate life-threatening emergency SOBS Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide, 0300 111 5065, 9am to 9pm every day, uksobs.org Samaritans 116123 jo@samaritans.org open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, www.samaritans.org The Peer Assistance group at your airline Your AME/GP Jackie with sons James and Sam If you would like to get in touch with Jackie and the boys directly, please email them on BAcomms@balpa.org with subject line Log article. 1 https://ehjournal.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12940-016-0200-6 SU I CI D E Suicide among pilots: