DASH TRASH Weathering the storm of ‘alternative facts’ and Cb broadcasts Angry birds By Dash Trash In early September, President Trump, with the aid of a precision meteorological instrument called a ‘Sharpie pen’, altered the projected track of hurricane Dorian, such that it would hit Alabama, despite the US national weather service being convinced it would track up the US east coast. Presumably, this is what would be referred to as an ‘alternative fact’ by the Trump administration. Anyway, it goes to show that weather and climate are in the spotlight and becoming increasingly controversial. A large number of people deny global warming, for example – but, to be fair, they do acknowledge changes to the migratory patterns of birds such as clay pigeons, though that might just be because the Earth is flat, of course. I, on the other hand, am inclined to believe in climate change, if on no better evidence than the increasing number of automated ATIS broadcasts to which we are now subjected claiming “Cbs detected”. The automation of these broadcasts might not all be bad, however, because there appears to be a tendency to over-embellish where humans are involved. I’m tempted to think there is an element of ‘arse covering’ going on, so it appears it’s not just politicians interfering with the weather, but lawyers, too. I can’t help feeling it’s all getting out of hand. Flight of fiction Returning to the UK, an aircraft has just got within ATIS range, and at the controls are Captain Leyton Tech and First Officer Buster Leval: “Leyton, I’m back from getting the ATIS.” “Good, I was getting worried. You seem to have been away a long time.” “Sorry about that, but I wanted to be sure – the pre-flight met brief did predict a tsunami at the airfield.” “Yes, strange that; after all, Worzel Gummidge International is 600ft up, on top of a hill, and 10 miles inland. Didn’t the company recently change met supplier to Alternative Facts Meteorology TM?” “Apparently so; it’s a subdivision of Trump Industries I believe. Anyway, it’s bad news I’m afraid.” “Go ahead, Buster, give it to me straight!” “You’re not going to like this, but... THERE’S INTENSE BIRD ACTIVITY AT THE AIRFIELD!” “OMG! Break out the QRH and give me the non-annunciated drill for landing at an airfield with intense bird activity.” “Here it is Leyton; the non-annunciated drill for landing at an airfield with intense bird activity: 1. Continue to the airfield exactly as normal 2. Carry out the approach exactly as normal 3. Are birds encountered? YES/NO: If NO: land exactly as normal. If YES: land exactly as normal, then carry out company procedures for reporting a bird strike. END” “Thank goodness they put that on the ATIS, so we can put all necessary procedures in place.” “Absolutely. But there’s more.” “For the love of God, could this day get any worse? What is it now?” “Well, there’s a whole list of taxiway closures.” “Taxiway closures? Is there a QRH drill for that?” “No, but I remember something from my training. I think what we do is vacate the runway at a turn-off that isn’t marked as closed, then follow air traffic instructions. Apparently, because it’s their airfield, they’re likely to know which taxiways are closed and which aren’t.” “That’s clever. You mean we do what we’re told to do, and don’t just go off down any taxiway that we haven’t been told to go down just because we feel like it? You know, that kind of makes sense – I think we just might get through this. By the way, was there anything about the weather?” “Oh yeah, calm, CAVOK, but ’erm... apparently Cbs have been detected.”