Relationships 5 ways to nurture your relationship Arthritis can put pressure on the happiest of partnerships. Here’s how to keep your relationship robust Words: Georgina Wintersgill More than a third (35 per cent) of people with rheumatoid arthritis (RA) say the disease has put a strain on their relationship, according to a British study. Reasons given include reduced activities, being unable to share hobbies, emotional changes, changes in the balance of the relationship, and financial circumstances. Relate counsellor Peter Saddington has supported individuals and couples with their emotional and sexual relationships for more than 30 years, including couples with various forms of arthritis. Read on for his expert advice. 1Talk about it Be open and honest about how you feel and encourage your partner to do the same. According to a 2010 US/UK review, emotional disclosure and validating responses helped to enhance intimacy and healthy emotion in couples where at least one partner was living with chronic musculoskeletal pain. Saddington says: “You both need to start talking about how you’re feeling to get some understanding going on. If you don’t realise how the other person feels, you might not respond to their needs, or you might misinterpret the situation. You might think they’re not interested, or are cross with you – or they don’t want to be with you – when the reality may be that both partners are worried about what the other one is thinking or feeling, and neither knows what to do for the best.” 2Retain intimacy Nearly half (44 per cent) of people with RA said the disease limited their sex life, according to the British study. Reasons included fatigue, pain and difficulty finding comfortable positions. Saddington says: “It’s about accepting your limitations and finding a way of making it work for you both. Then it’s about discussing what you want and what you can manage. For most couples, the starting point is getting used to touching each other, finding out how you like to be touched and what you can cope with. Then you can slowly work up to being sexual.” He recommends thinking ahead. “Talk about it and plan days when it’s more likely to happen. Think about what will reduce the pain. If you need to change positions, you might need cushions or aids.” 3 Ask for help When you’re exhausted, ill or in pain, you need lots of support – emotional and practical. Saddington believes that many people, particularly those used to caring for others and looking after the household, find it difficult to ask for help. “You may feel you should be able to manage,” he says. “But your body’s changed and you do need more help than before.” He recommends asking directly for the support you need. “Partners can’t mind-read.” The partner with arthritis may also need to accept that household chores may not get done to the same standard. “If you ask your partner to do something, it’s not fair or helpful to then do it again,” he says. “It may create further problems and your partner may just give up trying.” 4Accept and adjust When you can’t do all the things you used to do, you may feel like you’ve lost your identity. Saddington recommends learning to accept your new situation and adjusting your life accordingly. He says: “If you don’t, you just get into a hole of anger and frustration that may come out in your relationship, or how you speak to friends and family. Then you become more isolated because people don’t know how to be with you.” He advises: “Allow yourself time to relax, and be realistic about what you can do.” Support groups and counselling can be helpful in learning to accept your condition and its impact on your life. 5Enjoy yourself Planning enjoyable activities is important, as osteoarthritis increases the risk of social isolation, according to a 2019 US study of older adults. Existing hobbies may need some adjustment so you can continue to enjoy them. If you can’t, try new things. Saddington believes separate hobbies can be healthy for relationships. “It’s about acknowledging and accepting that you’ll do some things differently than before. So one partner might continue running and the other might join an art class. That may introduce a new vitality into your relationship, because you’ll have different things to talk about.” “If you don’t realise how the other person feels, you might not respond to their needs, or you might misinterpret the situation” Support groups and counselling can be helpful in learning to accept your condition and its impact on your life For more information about couples’ therapy, visit Relate at relate.org.uk istock.com / Marilyn Nieves, SolStock Relationships Arthritis can put pressure on the happiest of partnerships. Here’s how to keep your relationship robust Words: Georgina Wintersgill More than a third (35 per cent) of people with rheumatoid arthritis (RA) say the disease has put a strain on their relationship, according to a British study. Reasons given include reduced activities, being unable to share hobbies, emotional changes, changes in the balance of the relationship, and financial circumstances. Relate counsellor Peter Saddington has supported individuals and couples with their emotional and sexual relationships for more than 30 years, including couples with various forms of arthritis. Read on for his expert advice. 1Talk about it Be open and honest about how you feel and encourage your partner to do the same. According to a 2010 US/UK review, emotional disclosure and validating responses helped to enhance intimacy and healthy emotion in couples where at least one partner was living with chronic musculoskeletal pain. Saddington says: “You both need to start talking about how you’re feeling to get some understanding going on. If you don’t realise how the other person feels, you might not respond to their needs, or you might misinterpret the situation. You might think they’re not interested, or are cross with you – or they don’t want to be with you – when the reality may be that both partners are worried about what the other one is thinking or feeling, and neither knows what to do for the best.” 2Retain intimacy Nearly half (44 per cent) of people with RA said the disease limited their sex life, according to the British study. Reasons included fatigue, pain and difficulty finding comfortable positions. Saddington says: “It’s about accepting your limitations and finding a way of making it work for you both. Then it’s about discussing what you want and what you can manage. For most couples, the starting point is getting used to touching each other, finding out how you like to be touched and what you can cope with. Then you can slowly work up to being sexual.” He recommends thinking ahead. “Talk about it and plan days when it’s more likely to happen. Think about what will reduce the pain. If you need to change positions, you might need cushions or aids.” 3 Ask for help When you’re exhausted, ill or in pain, you need lots of support – emotional and practical. Saddington believes that many people, particularly those used to caring for others and looking after the household, find it difficult to ask for help. “You may feel you should be able to manage,” he says. “But your body’s changed and you do need more help than before.” He recommends asking directly for the support you need. “Partners can’t mind-read.” The partner with arthritis may also need to accept that household chores may not get done to the same standard. “If you ask your partner to do something, it’s not fair or helpful to then do it again,” he says. “It may create further problems and your partner may just give up trying.” 4Accept and adjust When you can’t do all the things you used to do, you may feel like you’ve lost your identity. Saddington recommends learning to accept your new situation and adjusting your life accordingly. He says: “If you don’t, you just get into a hole of anger and frustration that may come out in your relationship, or how you speak to friends and family. Then you become more isolated because people don’t know how to be with you.” He advises: “Allow yourself time to relax, and be realistic about what you can do.” Support groups and counselling can be helpful in learning to accept your condition and its impact on your life. 5Enjoy yourself Planning enjoyable activities is important, as osteoarthritis increases the risk of social isolation, according to a 2019 US study of older adults. Existing hobbies may need some adjustment so you can continue to enjoy them. If you can’t, try new things. Saddington believes separate hobbies can be healthy for relationships. “It’s about acknowledging and accepting that you’ll do some things differently than before. So one partner might continue running and the other might join an art class. That may introduce a new vitality into your relationship, because you’ll have different things to talk about.” “If you don’t realise how the other person feels, you might not respond to their needs, or you might misinterpret the situation” Support groups and counselling can be helpful in learning to accept your condition and its impact on your life For more information about couples’ therapy, visit Relate at relate.org.uk istock.com / Marilyn Nieves, SolStock 5 ways to nurture your relationship