Self How to Have better conversations Talking to others is a great way to sort out problems and make yourself feel better. Here’s some tips on how to explain yourself – and be a good listener Words: Victoria Goldman Pent-up emotions may make your arthritis symptoms worse. So, when something’s bothering you, it can be helpful to talk about it with family and friends. They may be able to help you solve any problems or just give you a chance to explain the concerns you may have. Not everyone finds it easy to share their thoughts and emotions, though. You may worry that your loved ones won’t understand how you feel; maybe you don’t know how to bring up the subject when you’re in pain, or you don’t want to burden them. If you do want to talk (or listen), however, there are ways to make it easier – and to get better at it. Broaching difficult subjects Everyone’s different when it comes to ‘big’ conversations. Some people prefer to talk face to face, while others are more comfortable communicating over the phone. You may prefer to write your feelings down in a message or email, or even in a letter. You don’t need to sit everyone down for a formal chat. The important thing is that conversations happen when, where and how they feel most comfortable. So you may prefer to talk while you’re doing something else, such as cooking or walking. In general: l Choose somewhere quiet and where you’re unlikely to be disturbed l Look out for people’s reactions – facial expressions, tone of voice, body language – to check they’re comfortable with the conversation lIf it feels awkward, keep it brief at first. Talking constructively Pain or emotions can be hard to describe, as everyone experiences them differently, so use language and phrases your family and friends will understand. Explain how you feel, and how this affects your life and the way you interact with others: l“My hip was so sore last night, I couldn’t sleep” l “I’m really anxious, so I’m not always answering messages straightaway”. It may help to write down key points in advance. Don’t over-plan, however, as you can’t predict the response. You may find it hard to cope if the conversation doesn’t go as you expected – and just as it’s important to talk when things aren’t going well, be sure to share your good experiences, too. “It’s about getting the balance right,” says Kathryn Kinmond, accredited counsellor and psychotherapist, and member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). “Be honest about the things you can no longer do or how you feel, but don’t wear your condition as a badge of identity so it becomes the focus of every conversation.” Avoiding arguments Someone’s response may upset you, or they may not agree with everything you’ve said or decisions you’ve made. Your friends and family may also feel frustrated if they can’t help. Think about how you’re communicating. lTalk calmly, rather than shouting l Take regular pauses so the other person has a chance to reply l Don’t get annoyed or upset if they don’t respond – some people are better at listening than talking l If you sense an argument is brewing, it’s best to walk away for a while until you both feel calmer. “Some people choose to go to counselling rather than talk to their family, as once something is out in the open, it can’t be unsaid,” says Kinmond. “Listen carefully to whole sentences rather than interrupting, as the point may have changed completely after the first few words. Think about written messages carefully before you respond, too – don’t always jump to conclusions. Remember that this person has your best interests at heart and will be trying to help.” Being a good listener If you’re doing the listening rather than the talking, make sure you’re aware of what the other person needs. Some people don’t need advice or practical help, they just need to talk – and how you listen, or respond, can make a big difference to the conversation. l Ask open questions (for example, “how does that affect you?”) so you’re not steering the conversation in a specific direction lSay things such as “that must be really worrying for you”, so they know you’re listening and that you care l Wait for them to ask for specific help, or ask them if and how you can help, rather than making assumptions. Getting help If you can’t talk to your friends or family, you may find it easier to talk to a stranger. Talking therapies, such as counselling or psychotherapy, can help if you’re feeling low, anxious and in pain. Whatever, the issue, talking really can help get a lot of things off your chest. And as they say, a problem shared... “Be honest about things you can no longer do or how you feel” lYou can search for a local therapist through the BACP website: bacp.co.uk istock.com / fizkes Self Talking to others is a great way to sort out problems and make yourself feel better. Here’s some tips on how to explain yourself – and be a good listener Words: Victoria Goldman Pent-up emotions may make your arthritis symptoms worse. So, when something’s bothering you, it can be helpful to talk about it with family and friends. They may be able to help you solve any problems or just give you a chance to explain the concerns you may have. Not everyone finds it easy to share their thoughts and emotions, though. You may worry that your loved ones won’t understand how you feel; maybe you don’t know how to bring up the subject when you’re in pain, or you don’t want to burden them. If you do want to talk (or listen), however, there are ways to make it easier – and to get better at it. Broaching difficult subjects Everyone’s different when it comes to ‘big’ conversations. Some people prefer to talk face to face, while others are more comfortable communicating over the phone. You may prefer to write your feelings down in a message or email, or even in a letter. You don’t need to sit everyone down for a formal chat. The important thing is that conversations happen when, where and how they feel most comfortable. So you may prefer to talk while you’re doing something else, such as cooking or walking. In general: l Choose somewhere quiet and where you’re unlikely to be disturbed l Look out for people’s reactions – facial expressions, tone of voice, body language – to check they’re comfortable with the conversation lIf it feels awkward, keep it brief at first. Talking constructively Pain or emotions can be hard to describe, as everyone experiences them differently, so use language and phrases your family and friends will understand. Explain how you feel, and how this affects your life and the way you interact with others: l“My hip was so sore last night, I couldn’t sleep” l “I’m really anxious, so I’m not always answering messages straightaway”. It may help to write down key points in advance. Don’t over-plan, however, as you can’t predict the response. You may find it hard to cope if the conversation doesn’t go as you expected – and just as it’s important to talk when things aren’t going well, be sure to share your good experiences, too. “It’s about getting the balance right,” says Kathryn Kinmond, accredited counsellor and psychotherapist, and member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). “Be honest about the things you can no longer do or how you feel, but don’t wear your condition as a badge of identity so it becomes the focus of every conversation.” Avoiding arguments Someone’s response may upset you, or they may not agree with everything you’ve said or decisions you’ve made. Your friends and family may also feel frustrated if they can’t help. Think about how you’re communicating. lTalk calmly, rather than shouting l Take regular pauses so the other person has a chance to reply l Don’t get annoyed or upset if they don’t respond – some people are better at listening than talking l If you sense an argument is brewing, it’s best to walk away for a while until you both feel calmer. “Some people choose to go to counselling rather than talk to their family, as once something is out in the open, it can’t be unsaid,” says Kinmond. “Listen carefully to whole sentences rather than interrupting, as the point may have changed completely after the first few words. Think about written messages carefully before you respond, too – don’t always jump to conclusions. Remember that this person has your best interests at heart and will be trying to help.” Being a good listener If you’re doing the listening rather than the talking, make sure you’re aware of what the other person needs. Some people don’t need advice or practical help, they just need to talk – and how you listen, or respond, can make a big difference to the conversation. l Ask open questions (for example, “how does that affect you?”) so you’re not steering the conversation in a specific direction lSay things such as “that must be really worrying for you”, so they know you’re listening and that you care l Wait for them to ask for specific help, or ask them if and how you can help, rather than making assumptions. Getting help If you can’t talk to your friends or family, you may find it easier to talk to a stranger. Talking therapies, such as counselling or psychotherapy, can help if you’re feeling low, anxious and in pain. Whatever, the issue, talking really can help get a lot of things off your chest. And as they say, a problem shared... “Be honest about things you can no longer do or how you feel” lYou can search for a local therapist through the BACP website: bacp.co.uk istock.com / fizkes How to Have better conversations