By Captain Karen Speight, Log Board member s the COVID-19 crisis expanded during March to fill the daily news, my bosom swelled with pride at being classed as a key worker, with a letter from mum allowing me to leave the house legitimately. This rare privilege was not to be scoffed at. Other people twitched the curtains, pretending they hadnt already had their daily walk, hadnt already been to the supermarket for essential quantities of wine and hoping the neighbours hadnt noticed as they covertly left the house in sunglasses for the third time in 24 hours. The honeymoon period was short-lived, however, as I quickly realised the irony of the situation come April I was a key worker, but had no work. Resigning myself to the 24-hour news channel, but rapidly becoming bored, I found myself longing for other news anything at all just to break the oppressive morbidity. Im ashamed to admit that it took me a while to catch on: as everything else had been cancelled, there simply wasnt any other news to report. We live in a strange new world, and social norms are changing. A short walk into town for groceries (Boris would be proud limiting my journeys by combining my exercise with my supermarket shopping) reveals some of the new patterns of behaviour. Regrettably, civil engineers do not seem to have taken a crisis of the current nature into account when designing pavements. Indeed, a quick perusal of Introduction to pavement design Lecture notes in Transportation Systems Engineering reveals that thickness, strength, rigidity, friction coefficient, smoothness, dustproofing, imperviousness and low maintenance costs are all key considerations. Nowhere is there a mention of width, which is a remarkable oversight, especially as social distancing requires us to stay 2m apart. Engineers, it seems, are well prepared for a mass icing-sugar spillage, but not the current crisis. In fact, there is a gaping hole between the education of our construction gurus and council rules, which mandate at least 2m footway width under most circumstances, the main exception being if you live on a street with fewer than 50 dwellings and no pavement obstructions, where a mere 1.35m is acceptable. Yet again, we have a postcode lottery determining our likely uptake of healthcare systems. To offset this travesty, we have developed the two-metre shuffle: Person A takes a complex, dance-like series of steps down the kerb and out into the carriageway; person B breaks into a light, skipping pace to hurry past and show their appreciation of person A risking their life in the road, before they realise there is no rush as the average rate of one car per hour is highly unlikely to result in an accident. There was a time when I would have been deeply offended by people crossing the street to avoid me. Now I shout a cheery thank you, with my hand over my mouth to trap any escaping germs. The handshake I cant help wondering whether handshakes will still be socially acceptable once all this is over. Dating back to 5BC in ancient Greece, the handshake evolved as an easy way to show someone that you were not carrying a weapon in the usually dominant right hand. Variations over the years have involved grabbing the forearm to check there were no knives concealed in the sleeve and I do know people who still prefer to give a quick frisk and body pat in social greeting just to make absolutely sure. Most have found their niche working in airport security. Now, in a bizarre twist of Darwinism, the handshake is the weapon, and the chance of infecting your chosen quarry not to mention his or her entire family with a horrible illness is high. Thousands of years of culture are in question here; the species needs to change fast to survive. Idiom and language will probably change subtly, too. The normal Hi, how are you? has already mutated into Hi, did you run out toilet roll?, which may well stick as the new worldwide casual greeting. British politeness prevents a follow-up question as to how people who did run out actually coped. To enable the reader to get up to speed once the aviation industry has taken off again, I have listed some handy phrases in several languages: Zwei toilettenpapier; mein freund wird bezahlen Two toilet rolls; my friend will pay. (German) Veuillez rester deux mtres de moi, nous avons quitt lUE Please stay two metres away from me, we have left the EU. (French) Has alcanzado la inmunidad de rebao en esta ciudad? Have you reached herd immunity in this city? (Spanish) ? Where can I buy a tin of beans without queueing? (Russian) Ciao bellissima, vorresti isolare con me? Hello gorgeous, would you like to self-isolate with me? (Italian) I cant help wondering whether handshakes will still be socially acceptable once all this is overt The government has made extensive plans for the hospitalisation of many with COVID-19, but I am very worried because, so far on the news, I have heard no mention of provision for other categories of emergency admission. One only has to open the window to drink in the melodious cacophony of DIY-related activity that people are now engaging in to fill the time between homeschooling and beer drinking. According to the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, 220,000 people visit hospital every year thanks to DIY accidents. Thats in a normal year. I hope someone influential has had the foresight to allow for the vast increase in drill and garden fork-related injuries likely this year. There will also surely be a huge upsurge in ankle sprains from the twometre shuffle, as people fall off the pavement trying to avoid their neighbours not to mention people falling off cliffs and down potholes doing the same at beauty spots around the country. I urge you to start campaigning immediately for desperately needed Emergency Cuts and Sprains Units to be set up in the closed local leisure centre car parks. There is no time to lose the casualties of home-improvement schemes may soon overtake those of COVID-19. I have taken elaborate safety precautions (cutting away from myself, carrying scissors in the manner my mum taught me, and an having an absolute ban on leaving garden rakes lying on the lawn) to engage extremely cautiously with gardening and DIY around the house, but with gathering momentum. A tough time ahead It looks as if aviation is in for a tough time ahead, but spare a thought for some other industries, too. What about prostitution? A difficult time if you rely on kerb-crawlers to make a living. Mugging and pick-pocketing? Slim pickings here, as well. If the entire aviation industry collapses, it might be prudent to spend time right now thinking about where the gaps in the market will be. I idly pondered how long it would take to retrain as a doctor specialising in respiratory complaints, but rejected the idea as way too dangerous. How those Europeans must have been laughing at our toilet-roll crisis, smugly sitting on their white porcelain bidets a short hop from the WC. There may well be an upsurge in plumbing installation demands to guard against the next world cataclysm, deeply entrenched with a kind of you can take Britain out of the EU, but youcant take the EU out of Britain irony. I also predict a large rise in the number of separating couples once there is anywhere to go, precipitated by the time spent in close confinement. This leads to a number of fruitful possible career changes. The Man Cave Shed Construction Company is one idea. Divorce lawyer is another. I cant help wishing Id had the foresight to set up another business before this all started, though an online meetings platform, a line in luxury quilted toilet paper printed with a cute picture of a virus. What was it with the panicbuying of loo roll anyway? For several weeks I was under the misconception that this must be a gastro-intestinal illness. Supermarkets responded with buying limits that smacked of post-Stalin USSR. When the first toilet-roll factory opened there in 1969, people were limited to 10 rolls and used to thread them on a string and wear them home like a necklace, much to the envy of passers-by. I was going to try this on the way home from Waitrose but, you tell me, where on earth can you get string at the moment? AF TE R COVID-19 What will our world and aviation look like after coronavirus?